DadCentric

You talking to me Elmo?

I caught this bit while getting the boys ready this morning.

Maybe it's just me, but I fully expected to hear him say "Look at me, I'm a fucking cabbage."

My Life in Television

"Ok, I had this great idea. I was totally thinking about it on the drive home and I am convinced it can work."

"What is this idea?"

"I pitch a DadCentric TV show to HBO. It would be brilliant. Like Curb Your Enthusiasm with kids. We could do it semi-improv. Get three year olds and turn the cameras on them and let them talk about the shit that they talk about, pink eagles and pee and all that, and have the actors just go with it."

"But not everyone finds little kids funny."

"So? You think everyone found Sex and The City funny? Who watched that shit? Women in their 30's. That leaves a whole lot of people who didn't think it was funny. And yet it was a cultural phenomenon. Network shows about dads are not funny."

"That reminds me - a woman on my message board was telling us that her baby pooped on the floor and their dog ate it."

"See? That would not happen on Growing Pains. But that's pretty funny. In fact, if that was us, and the baby shit on the floor, we'd be placing bets. 'Oh, no, Zoe pooped on the floor. I got five bucks says Mick eats it.''Oh, yeah? Double or nothing says he pisses on it and then eats it.' That's funny. You think Alan Thicke would bet on his dog eating baby shit?"

"Do we know anyone who works in TV?"

"See, you're with me on this. I gotta call HBO before the writers' strike ends."

"As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

Why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.

Kevin Federline Parenting Tips

Sadly, there's pretty much no reason to watch Saturday Night Live any more except to watch Adam Samberg. In this hilarious skit, Samberg (as K-Fed) shares some of his most prized parenting tips.

The Painfully Obvious Reason Why Letting Your Impressionable 3-Year-Old Boy Watch The New Reality Show "L.A. Ink" Is Not A Good Idea

The boy was having one of his increasingly frequent putting-off-sleep-for-as-long-as-possible evenings, Beth was watching L.A. Ink, I had fallen asleep to same about 5 minutes after the show had started. Then he posed the question. "Hey Mommy! Can I get a tattoo on my back?"

DadCentric Review: "Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue"

I suppose if the kiddies are going to watch TV, they could do worse than to watch a show that features famous artists and composers and their works, and gets the kiddies all geeked out over them. Beth and I can't help but wonder what The Factory gang would think of our kid doing The Wave on the couch, yelling "Andyyyy WARHOL!" at the top of his lungs.

I received a copy of Disney's Little Einsteins: Rocket's Firebird Rescue DVD for review a couple of days ago. In this movie - actually, an hour-long episode of the show - the Little Einsteins go to Russia, something to do with Stravinsky's ("Igorrrrr STRAVINSKY!!!") famed flaming bird. I asked Lucas for a plot summary. According to him, and I quote, "there's an ogre named Catcheye and he has bears and mosquitoes and they do magic". He seems to like it, judging by the fact that he's watched it some 215 times over the past three days*. To me, the show's saving grace has always been that it may get kids excited about art and music; the animation is colorful and occasionally creative, but the plots are often formulaic and occasionally incomprehensible. Still, if you're looking for a decent DVD for the kids, this isn't a bad choice.

*DISCLAIMER FOR DISNEY MARKETING PEOPLE AND CONCERNED PARENTS: The phrase "watched it some 215 times" is an exaggeration, for comedic effect; please don't send me letters expressing your concern that my kid watches too much TV, and please, Disney people, for God's sake, don't use that as a blurb on the cover of the next release of the DVD. I can see it now: "DECENT...ISN'T...BAD...WATCHED IT 215 TIMES!!!" - DadCentric

Kicked to the Curb

There was a time, not so long ago, when a certain helium-voiced monster dominated every waking minute of our lives.  I'd close my eyes and remember that the Noodle family are actually accomplished actors, not just annoying buffoons who can't follow the instructions of 4 year-olds.  And don't get me started on that bitch Bubbles Martin.  WORST.  CARTOONS.  EVER.

But suddenly, and without warning, the little red beast was dumped.  Discarded.  Pancaked.  No "we're just taking a break," or "we can still be friends."   Elmo was canned with the swiftness and finality of Admiral Ozzel.

Cheeky's got a new hoochie.  She's got big brown eyes, a talking backpack, and some freakish Joan Embery animal-communication skills.  And she brooks no competition for our daughter's attention.

At first I was relieved.  I'd had quite enough of "ELMO HAS MAIL!  ELMO HAS MAIL!" and "Jingle Bells" may be permanently ruined for me.  And when Cheeky proudly proclaimed that she was "Dos!" on her second birthday we thought Dora was turning our child into a bilingual genius. 

But it happened so fast, and so fiercely, that my wife and I had a surprising reaction.

We felt bad for Elmo. 

I mean, the guy was her world for a year, and now he was some reject she'd change her e-mail to avoid.  We'd see him stuffed face-first in the corner of her crib or find a sheet of Elmo stickers in a drawer and reminisce.  "Remember when she loved Elmo?"  We'd even try to put him on every once in a while, just to make him feel better, but she'd have none of it. 

Elmo sucks.  Dora rules!

Now the floodgates have opened, and we've got Dora Legos, Dora Playdough, Dora dolls, and (of course) Dora stickers.  We all know the way to the Tall Mountain and the Yellow Valley, and sing the map songs together.  But I can't help but think, "How long will this last?" 

We all know it's just a matter of time when Dora & Boots join Blue and Elmo on the side of the road, under a sign that says "Welcome to Dumpsville:  Population YOU"

Isn't 30 the new 20?

I have a question.  It doesn't have anything to do with parenting or kids or poop or puke or pregnancy.  All fine topics, but not what's on my mind at the moment.

Why does Hollywood/entertainment have such an obsession with the 30s?  No, I'm not talking about the Marx Brothers or the Golden Age of radio or any of that.  I mean one's chronological age.  What is it about turning 30 or being "in your 30s" that it is such an anathema; that the mere mention of it gives people the chills and causes them to scrounge for a cootie shot?  Honestly?  Is it really that bad?  I think mine were pretty good - married, two children, good job - damn, that really does suck.

I bring this up because VH1 is about to launch a new comedy series called I Hate My Thirties.  Oops, sorry, make that "an irreverent comedy."  Sidenote: if you have to tell people it's "irreverent," it usually ain't.  Just sayin'.  Anyway, so the network that brings you Flavor of Love and Scott Baio is 45...and Single, now brings you a comedy that will tackle the real issues facing our 30-something characters or, as the great copy writer who penned the show's description tells us, it's "TV as a tool for living" - wha-?  I do have to hand it to the copy writer though, his description for the show is so run through with cliches, pitch-speak and babble as to confuse the hell out of the guy who just quickly scans the five graphs.  Example: "The comedic tone comes from the absurd handling of relatable problems, matched with clever observation of the contemporary landscape. References to retro-storytelling will be minimal but maybe gratifying as occasional winks to the audience in the know."  Um...yeah.

But, haven't we seen this already?  Isn't this just The Big Chill with a laugh track?  thirtysomething, I believe, tackled many of the same issues this will, didn't it?  And, they were probably funnier than this will or could ever be.  What's that?  It was a drama?  C'mon - look at Peter Horton's mullet - that's funny.  High comedy at its best.  I like Friends, but wasn't it essentially about pretty people in their 30s dealing with relationships and jobs and babies?  Is there really anything else to deal with when you're in your 30s?

I'm sure there are many other shows, but I think you get my point.  Your 30s don't really suck, just Hollywood's interpretation of it.

Now, being 40?

Friday Funny: Kids in the Hall Version

It's Friday. Get out of the office and ditch the suit, or you may be next! You've been warned.

Are We Here to Amuse You?

What can I say? We like muppets.