I’m not a fan of Squirrel Nut Zippers. Huh? No, not the band – they were okay – just one of many bands that came and went in that glorious decade of music, the 90s. No, I mean the candy, Squirrel Nut Zippers – that peanutty chew with the wax paper that got stuck in every nook and cranny, which led you, totally frustrated, to either throw the offending piece away or chew on it and spit the paper out as you came across it. How the hell is that enjoyable? Are those the decisions you need to make when eating a piece of candy? Do I just throw this abomination away or increase the fiber in my diet? No, my friends, that is not how candy is enjoyed.
See, this is what happens when I start getting controversial. I can’t stop. Last week it was Red v. Blue – Conservative v. Liberal. Now I’m pitting the Celebrated Confectionery Coalition (CCC) against the Penny-Candy Partisans (PCP – heh). Me? Card-carrying member of the CCC. There are some aspects of the PCP platform I was once in favor of especially in my youth when I was still naive to the ways of the candy world. Candy buttons, candy cigarettes, candy bracelets, wax lips, pixie stix – what was not to like? Sugar, sugar and more sugar on the cheap. What 8-year-old was gonna turn that down? Not this one, that’s for sure. How do you explain being able to run around from 8 in the morning until 9 at night with nary a break or any real food? (btw bologna and cheese is not really food.) Go ahead, try doing that crap now without needing a nap.
Since then my tastes have matured and I find myself to be more single-issue oriented: Ghiradelli, Lindt, Hershey, Dove, Godiva – leaders and trailblazers of the CCC. They offer choices I can rally behind and I can be confident I’m going to get something I will truly enjoy. Dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, chocolate-in-my-peanut-butter – how the hell does a wax bottle compare to those? Two words: It. Can’t.
This has really just been a long-winded way at getting to the actual point: with Halloween coming up, what sorts of candies did you look forward to getting in your plastic jack-o-lantern/pillow case? Did you ever avoid a house because they were giving out crap candy? Did you ever go back and egg that house? (kidding – no serious – did you?) Ever, on the sly, switch your crap candy with good ones a sibling got? Did you ever foist that same candy on your parents? Did you notice your stash always looked remarkably smaller when you woke the next morning? DadCentric readers want to know and if you give out good candy we want to know where you live. Kidding. No serious, where do you live? I’ll be the one dressed as a haggard father. Trick or Treat!