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When Dyson tells you that you are going to receive one of their vacuums for review you tend to get a little excited. Your mind becomes a montage of countless hours spent in Target sipping on an ICEE with your eyes slowly working the contours of the vacuum of your choice. You imagine it turning and twisting and mocking your dirtiness with a satisfied smirk and enough suction to turn you inside out. There is sweat upon your brow and money in your hand, but it is never meant to be. There is a vacuum at home waiting for you and it’s all so complicated. The Dyson aisle in Target has grown sticky from so many spilled ICEES and the air hangs heavy with the scent of tears and the lingering smell of Axe body spray.

Where was I? Oh, yes, the Dyson review. Did I want to try their new hand held (DC-31)? Yes, yes I did. You see, I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, unless said gift horse is Mr. Ed and then I CAN”T STOP STARING.

I opened the Dyson, followed the instructions (appx. time spent: 45 seconds) and plugged the battery in to charge. And then I paced upon the leavings of life that is my carpet.