DadCentric

Laptop-shooting Dad Was Too Soft

For munitions-based parenting, you really need to start young and employ tactics of shock and awe. Like yo:

Why not give this video some love on the YouTube?

Jaws Was Never My Scene, and I Don't Like Star Wars

"Dude."

It was Simmons.

"What's goin' on, man?"

"I've got some Donald Duck, dude.  Wanna go see Star Wars for a buck at Leohman's ?"

"Go see...wait...Donald Duck?" I said.

"It's blotter, dude.  I got some..."

"Yeah, yeah, I know what it is," I said.  I had never done acid before, but I knew the lexicon.  Just needed some context.  "Umm...Star Wars?  I thought they were showing 2001: A Space Oddysey." 

"No, dude, Star fuckin' Wars! Huh huh huh. C'mon, let's go!  My mom'll drive."  Star Wars had come out three years prior.

"Nah, dude," I demurred, "I gotta wash the fuckin' van today.  I can't get out of it."

"All right, loser.  Have fun," he said.  Later."

"Later." 

I walked the yellow receiver back to the kitchen, untangling fifteen feet of boinging spiral cord from the basement stairs, and clacked it onto the wall, averting my eyes from Mom's scrutiny.

Gene Marks, The "If I Were A Poor Black Kid" Guy, To Write Advice Book For Dads

Forbes contributor Gene Marks has certainly stirred up some controversy. First, there was this post, Why Most Women Will Never Become CEO, in which Marks states that women will never become CEO because they're women. Then, Marks penned a post entitled If I Were A Poor Black Kid, in which he offers suggestions to poverty-stricken urban black kids based on his experiences as a middle-class white small business owner/columnist for magazine read by rich white guys, because really, one's pretty much the same as the other. Some of the pearls of wisdom Marks offers:

• "If I were a poor black kid...I'd become an expert at Google Scholar."
• "(If I were a poor black kid) I'd use Skype to study with other students who want to do well in my school."
• "If I were a poor black kid I would make it my goal to get into one of these (magnet) schools. Or even a private school."
• "If I were a poor black kid...I would learn how to write code."

See, Poor Black Kids? It's TOTALLY easy to escape soul-crushing poverty, rise above our failing public school system, and steer clear of a judicial system that tends to drop the hammer on young black men. Just get into a private school and learn how to write code! Like Theo from Die Hard did!

Now, word comes that Marks will be releasing a handbook for new dads.* The working title is If I Were A New Dad. We've gotten our hands on the manuscript, and here are a few choice bits of advice from Mr. Marks:

Christmas Trees Are Stupid, But I'll Probably Have to Get One Anyway

You know how much a real Christmas tree costs in San Diego?  I didn't know, because I've never bought one in the eight years that we've been here.  So I had to do some research.

Based on the 3 minutes I spent Googling "Christmas tree San Diego," I discovered that a 6-7 foot Noble Fir is going to run at least a hundred dollars from a local dealer.  You can order a similar one for $109.00 from Costco.  It comes in a box.

The fuck?

I'm supposed to drop a c-note on a dead plant that I'll toss in a couple weeks?  I've got all of them I need right here in my house and front yard.  I'll just hang some strings of popcorn and cranberries and call it Yuletide.

The Circle Is Now Complete: Babble Buys Me, Disney Buys Babble

Remember the whole #OccupyBabble thing? Well, it has a twist ending. A couple of weeks ago, I was approached by the folks at Babble - no, not with a bottle of chloroform and a baseball bat, but with an offer. Would I like to write for their new dad section, launching in mid-November? After some soul-searching, reflection, and deep contemplation - which lasted for all of five minutes - I said yes. 

Now, I know a few of you are thinking that I've gone to the Dark Side, thrown my principles out the window for a few bucks, am a complete hypocrite, etc. And with the announcement yesterday that Disney had purchased Babble for an unconfirmed but presumably hefty sum, you've probably thrown money-chaser into the mix. Fair enough. But here's something I thought about, and something that I hope you all consider. Despite what some think - even some folks who write for Babble - the parenting conversation has shifted, dads are more engaged as parents, commited dads are staunch advocates for a fundamental shift in the way that society views both dads AND moms, and dadbloggers are one of the driving forces behind that shift. As I said on my own blog, I had a choice: I could have circled my own wagon (this can be done, as Blazing Saddles proved), or I could accept an offer to join the conversation, which really was the point to all the #OccupyBabble silliness - giving dads a seat at the Big Parenting Website/Magazine table. Looking around, I don't see any other parenting site doing what Babble is. And if Disney is excited to get dads on board...well, the choice was an easy one. (And no, DadCentric isn't going anywhere.)

So swing by Babble today and check out the new Dadding section. I'm in great company: Ron Mattocks, Mike Adamick, and Michael Sheehan will be along for the ride. I'm sorta feeling like one of the original Mercury astronauts. With Mickey Mouse ears.

Charges

It was a perfect afternoon for rugby; the park sits right across the street from the beach, we'd be running the kids, and the cold ocean breeze would help keep them going. For many of them, this would be their first experience with the game. I'm in charge of the U8 side - boys aged 8 and under, too young for tackle (not that they don't want to try laying out their teammates, but rugby tackling is an art form that requires conceptualization, discipline and maturity; running into each other like spinning tops is Pop Warner stuff, and I didn't want any black eyes or concussions on our first evening). The boys were excited to learn. I walked the newcomers through the basics: how we pass, how we kick, how we run behind the ball and how we are a team, everyone functions as one, no one gets left behind.

One kid asked me if he was going to be "stuck playing defense". I recognized the phrase - I'd used it myself when I was eight, and my soccer coach decided that his kid would be a striker, and I'd be a fullback. Ultimately, I came to love playing D, and would continue my reverse advance into the net. I was a pretty good goalie, and I enjoyed knocking opposing players down almost as much as I loved making a save. But I never forgot what put me in the backfield. "Yep", I told the kid. "And you'll play offense. You'll score tries. You'll kick. You'll tackle. Everybody does everything in our sport." "Awesome!", he said. I grinned. "It really is".

THE MOVEMBER JUGGERNAUT IS UNLEASHED!

We had a great time doing Movember last year. What? You don't know what Movember is? Well! Here's a brief recap, from last year. To repeat: 

Cancer sucks. It may actually suck more for guys - 1 in 2 men, compared to 1 in 3 women, will be diagnosed with cancer in their lifetimes. 1 in 6 men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer. And prostate cancer kills - an estimate 32,000 American men will die from it this year.

So as we did last year, a few of your DadCentricians will be growing out the hair on our upperlip to raise money for the cause. Unlike last year, we've joined forces with a bunch of other great dads to form The Ultimate Movember Team. It's like a 70's version of Justice League International, starring our fearless leader, the guy who put together this massive coalition, Harry Reems lookalike Doug French! (Google "Harry Reems" at your own risk.) And we're off to a roaring start - over $2,500 has been raised already. To donate, go here. We'll be posting pictorial updates on a weekly basis; to see how the DadCentric guys are doing, check out our Facebook page, which will include more photos and links to our individual sites. Will we feel self-conscious about our 'staches? Hell no. For we follow in the footsteps of giants:

 

Family Halloween Costumes: Daddy's Little Vice

Family costumes are a popular part of Halloween. Go to any Halloween party and you're bound to see moms, dads, grandparents, brothers, and sisters working together to make the best group costume that Target can sell. It's sweet. In fact, my own extended family was thinking about going as the cast of Parenthood. Dibs on Coach!

If you need some ideas, this gentleman knows what works:

Booze and smokes were living in perfect harmony long before Wonder met McCartney and/or Sinatra. (Would also have accepted peanut butter and chocolate).

What do you think of this family costume? Is it missing Brother Blunt and Mommy Martini, or do you think they should be in hot water?

Please note, despite the pack of cigarettes, this is not a Herman Cain ad.

Another note, this Friday Funny is actually Jason's find, but his computer is on the proverbial toilet, so long story short, you're welcome.

#OccupyBabble!

So this is happening. 

Now, here's the funny part:

We're holding steady at #9, by the way. (FULL DISCLOSURE: we nominated ourselves, because hey, why not? DadaRocks did!) Now, to be fair, Babble does have 3 actual dadbloggers (along with that Single Dad Laughing guy, who we believe is some sort of celestial being/Matrix Agent, at least after reading his descriptions of himself) on the payroll. And a bunch of us did receive a blast email in June from Babble, saying that they're "doing a big feature on dad blogs* to coincide w/the launch of a Dad section...date TBD". In any case, if Babble is a true parenting site, and not just a site for moms (although...y'know, if ESPN devoted 90% of its coverage to football, wouldn't that make it a football channel, not a "sports" channel?) then they should be stoked to see the other 50% of the parenting equation represented on their contest.

*yeah, we're under no illusion that we'll get a mention in that big dad blog feature after these shenanigans.

UPDATE (10/21/11)!

 

BREAKING NEWS: Doctors Say Too Much TV Is Bad For Your Kids

 

Because you need another reminder that you're failing miserably as a parent, the American Association of Pediatrics would like to remind you that your kids are probably watching too much TV, and should be outside doing...outside things. (No, watching TV outside does not count.) And the definition of "watching TV" has been expanded; the group lumps in every category of video screen, including video games and computers. Yes, even so-called "educational games". (No, Gears of War 3 is not educational.)

A report released yesterday warns parents that TV has absolutely no benefit for kids under 2; the report recognizes that the number of viewing screen items in an average household has jumped over the past few years, thanks to the increasing number of homes with multiple TV's, computers, smartphones, and tablets. One concern is that parents often leave their TV sets on, either unwittingly or to provide some background noise, and that children can be distracted by OH WHAT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT, REF! HE STEPPED OUT OF BOUNDS! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Sorry. What was I talking about? Oh, yeah. TV. Anyway, you can read an article about it here. On your laptop. That your kid was just using to look at funny cat videos. It's ok. We don't judge.