Rate this post

The folks at Pixar have been hard at work on the sequel to their minimally-titled cinematic and merchandising smash hit, Cars. Heavy sigh. My kids are both fans of the first film. Well, let’s face it, my youngest is a fan of anything that the oldest likes, but I’m pretty sure he would like it even without the elder sibling influence since, you know, cars, all of which are either fast or funny or otherwise appealing to small people, and all of which, interestingly enough, translate well from screen to toy. I wouldn’t’ be the least bit surprised to learn that Cars earned more off of merchandising than it did off of ticket sales. I suppose I could look that up. Yeah, I suppose I could.

You know what’s a good kid’s movie? At least as I remember it? Flight of the Navigator. God, I loved that flick. Did you know Paul Reubens was the voice of the spaceship? They never made any toys for it, either. Can you imagine that? A kid’s movie with no toys? Such a strange time that was, so very long ago.

So yeah, Cars 2. More Lightning McQueen, more Tow Mater voiced by Owen Wilson and Larry the Cable Guy respectively. There’s been a teaser and some concept art released.

So that doesn’t tell us a damn thing, the big tease. But based on what little information we do get — exotic locations, dangerous assignments, secret agents — it sounds like our gas-guzzling friends are about to go all Mission Impossible on our asses. And based on the concept art, it looks like they’re doing it internationally. No word on if international includes the Gulf of Mexico.

This all makes a curious fellow like me wonder just what the plot of this new film will be. I have a few ideas.

Perhaps Lightning and Mater go on a world tour and find themselves in the middle of an international oil conglomerate where they learn of an evil scheme that would make it all but impossible for race cars to acquire the fuel they need, thus ending the sport of racing cars forever! They travel all over the globe to thwart this vile plot. In a climactic scene, Lightning has to burn out his engine in order to stop the final big bad guy, thus ensuring that he’ll never again participate in the sport that he’s trying so hard to save. Cue flags, fireworks, and Sheryl Crow.

Or maybe Mater has taken a job on a deep sea oil rig. Times are tough, you know? But then the oil rig explodes. Oh no! Lightning, being the friend he is, goes to visit Mater in the hospital, and arrives just in time to stop him from signing a bunch of forms being pushed on him by the oil company’s lawyers. What vehicle would you cast in the part of oil company lawyer? Escalade? Lightning and Mater go to London to confront the oil company executives directly, but wind up being chased all over the globe by goons from every organization imaginable. The press paints them as criminals. Meanwhile, the whole world is in a panic because their food is being dumped into the ocean. The Army has to stop poor cars from going to the beach to try to slurp free oil out of the sand. But then it all works out and the good guys win and the end.Oh! Oh! Maybe Mater’s behavior starts getting really wild, you know? And he starts daring Lightning to do all kinds of crazy shit. “Lookie here,” Mater says to Lightning in an early scene, “I want you to crash into me as hard as you can!” And because Lightning is bored and burned out and is looking for a way to change his life but doesn’t know how, he does it! They pull all sorts of crazy stunts! They move into a dingy     garage on the edge of town, start a cult, there’s a girl. Then one day Mater disappears and Lightning travels the world looking for him until he finally figures out that he and Mater are actually the same…wait, this is all sounding way too familiar.

Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll be great. Cars 2 opens next summer. Yay.