DadCentric

Laptop-shooting Dad Was Too Soft

For munitions-based parenting, you really need to start young and employ tactics of shock and awe. Like yo:

Why not give this video some love on the YouTube?

The House That Booty Built

The other night at dinner, my youngest child, a boy person of four years of age, declared to us in his most excited voice that he had an idea. A tense silence followed as we waited for him to tell us, for the unleashing of this new thought onto an unsuspecting world.

“I’m going to build a house out of butts!”

His big brother laughed. His mother and I snickered, our eyebrows cocked upwards in an appraising fashion. “Butts, you say? A whole house made out of butts?” The repetition of the word just incited more laughter. Fanning the flames, baby, fanning the flames.

I can picture us all, decades from now, my wife and I gray and old, riding along in the backseat of a car powered by sunflower seeds or rainwater or perhaps good intentions. Our eldest son at the wheel. “Are you sure this is the way?” my wife will ask. She’ll propose two or three different routes to get us where we’re going. 

“I know where I’m going, Mom,” he’ll say, turning up the music. 

“What is this you’re subjecting our ears to?” I’ll ask him. “I thought we instilled you with better taste than this.” 

We’ll turn down a street, then another, maybe a few more. Then, just as I’m about to ask if the nav-system has gone and gotten us lost, we’ll come around a bend and there it will stand, a sight so breathtaking that all conversation will instantly fall silent. The car’s audio system, futuristic mechanism that it is, will detect this awed hush and mute itself. My eldest will pass his hand across a panel and the car will turn into the drive and come to a halt. We’ll step out of the car – or perhaps it will gently eject us, somehow – and we’ll stand there basking in the sight of this unbelievable structure, this mass of glorious curves rising outward and upward, folding in upon one another into deep crevices...which we’ll later learn are for rainwater drainage. Form and function. 

“Mom! Dad!” His voice will snap us back into the moment. We’ll look, and there he’ll be, our youngest son standing outside the front door beneath a buttockesque overhang. “You made it!”

Hugs all around, then he beckons us inside where the wonders continue. Majestic slopes, eye-popping curvature, great giant’s handfuls of roundness greet the eye wherever it falls. It’s all rather…stirring. 

My son built this, I will think to myself. I’ll put my hand on his shoulder. 

“Son, I’m sorry I ever doubted you. This is truly amazing.”

He’ll wipe away a tear and say, “Thanks, Dad.”

Then I’ll smile and ask, “Now then, where’s the shitter?”

Christopher Walken Reads "Where The Wild Things Are"

This is slightly old, and there are better Walken impersonators out there, but it's pretty flippin' funny nonetheless.

 

Why You Should Never Let Your Children Play Under the Slide

Me:  So, how was y'all's day?
Her:  Well, Maddie got in a bit of trouble at school.
Me:  For what? 
Her:  She...took a crap under the playground slide.
Me:  She had an accident?
Her:  No.  She just decided she didn't want to go inside, so she dropped her drawers and plopped a pipe in the mulch. 
Me:  Why would anyone defecate outside?  In a public place?
Her:  I assume that's a rhetorical question, given her heredity....
Me:  My shitting in a pool and a sauna as a lad was for humor, not necessity.  Or maybe both...doesn't that make it okay?
Her:  I'm concerned--her teacher said she's never seen such behavior in 20 years!
Me:  Really?
Her:  I asked her about it, and she said she was afraid of getting in trouble for not using the restroom before going outside to the playground, so she went outside, told a friend, and then the friend told her teacher.
Me:  Sounds like I need to have a talk with her.
Her:  I agree. 
Me:  About how to keep a secret. I can't believe she told her friend!

So, this is totally normal, right?  As in, the sequel to "Everyone Poops" is "Everyone Poops Outside Sometimes"? 

 

Gene Marks, The "If I Were A Poor Black Kid" Guy, To Write Advice Book For Dads

Forbes contributor Gene Marks has certainly stirred up some controversy. First, there was this post, Why Most Women Will Never Become CEO, in which Marks states that women will never become CEO because they're women. Then, Marks penned a post entitled If I Were A Poor Black Kid, in which he offers suggestions to poverty-stricken urban black kids based on his experiences as a middle-class white small business owner/columnist for magazine read by rich white guys, because really, one's pretty much the same as the other. Some of the pearls of wisdom Marks offers:

• "If I were a poor black kid...I'd become an expert at Google Scholar."
• "(If I were a poor black kid) I'd use Skype to study with other students who want to do well in my school."
• "If I were a poor black kid I would make it my goal to get into one of these (magnet) schools. Or even a private school."
• "If I were a poor black kid...I would learn how to write code."

See, Poor Black Kids? It's TOTALLY easy to escape soul-crushing poverty, rise above our failing public school system, and steer clear of a judicial system that tends to drop the hammer on young black men. Just get into a private school and learn how to write code! Like Theo from Die Hard did!

Now, word comes that Marks will be releasing a handbook for new dads.* The working title is If I Were A New Dad. We've gotten our hands on the manuscript, and here are a few choice bits of advice from Mr. Marks:

A Gallery Of Disturbing Christmas Tree Ornaments

This Saturday was Tree Decorating Day, so the whole family went to our local Target to pick up some ornaments. We told the kids that they could each pick out a special ornament to hang on the tree. I picked this one for myself:

Lucas picked a motorcycle, and Zoe picked a Christmas-attired Winnie The Pooh, and...wait. You're bothered by the Beer Ornament, I see. Well, if you think that's bad, wait until you see what's after the jump. I had to take some pictures. Because ho ho holy shit, they're just awful.

Wordless Wednesday: Twilight Moms

One More Thing To Keep You Up At Night: Teens Using Vodka-Soaked Tampons To Get Drunk

And you thought Whippits were bad. 

Dear Science: please hurry and develop Suspended Animation Technology so that we can cryo-freeze our kids until a cure for stupid is created.

Family Halloween Costumes: Daddy's Little Vice

Family costumes are a popular part of Halloween. Go to any Halloween party and you're bound to see moms, dads, grandparents, brothers, and sisters working together to make the best group costume that Target can sell. It's sweet. In fact, my own extended family was thinking about going as the cast of Parenthood. Dibs on Coach!

If you need some ideas, this gentleman knows what works:

Booze and smokes were living in perfect harmony long before Wonder met McCartney and/or Sinatra. (Would also have accepted peanut butter and chocolate).

What do you think of this family costume? Is it missing Brother Blunt and Mommy Martini, or do you think they should be in hot water?

Please note, despite the pack of cigarettes, this is not a Herman Cain ad.

Another note, this Friday Funny is actually Jason's find, but his computer is on the proverbial toilet, so long story short, you're welcome.

#OccupyBabble!

So this is happening. 

Now, here's the funny part:

We're holding steady at #9, by the way. (FULL DISCLOSURE: we nominated ourselves, because hey, why not? DadaRocks did!) Now, to be fair, Babble does have 3 actual dadbloggers (along with that Single Dad Laughing guy, who we believe is some sort of celestial being/Matrix Agent, at least after reading his descriptions of himself) on the payroll. And a bunch of us did receive a blast email in June from Babble, saying that they're "doing a big feature on dad blogs* to coincide w/the launch of a Dad section...date TBD". In any case, if Babble is a true parenting site, and not just a site for moms (although...y'know, if ESPN devoted 90% of its coverage to football, wouldn't that make it a football channel, not a "sports" channel?) then they should be stoked to see the other 50% of the parenting equation represented on their contest.

*yeah, we're under no illusion that we'll get a mention in that big dad blog feature after these shenanigans.

UPDATE (10/21/11)!