Because there’s nothing quite as fascinating as what my two-year-son is currently fawning over, I bring you the first in a recurring series. These are the kid’s current fixations.

ON THE TUBE: Little Einsteins. As a proud Horrible Parent (today, for example, I taught my kid to say “Jagshemash!” and “My name-a Borat!”), I routinely place the boy in front of the TV while I do important things. I want him to be smart, so that he doesn’t end up getting stuck in Iraq (ha! Just kidding! Because if history tells us anything, it’s that governments always draw from the ranks of the intelligentsia and the social elite when they need to build up the infantry. Why, just look at the number of sons and daughters of Congressmen who are currently on the front lines in Iraq and Afghanistan!). Thus I’m glad he watches Little Einsteins. Each episode features classical music. So it must be good for the kids.

ON THE IPOD: Farmer Jason, “Rockin’ In The Forest”. The kid likes his rock. The other evening we were sitting at the dinner table, and the Violent Femmes’ “Blister In The Sun” came on. “Do you like this song?”, I asked Lucas. “Yeah! It’s MY SONG!”, he yelled. I replied, “It’s about touching your pee-pee.” “Oh”, he said. “It’s your song, Daddy.” (True story, ask the wife.) He also seems to enjoy Farmer Jason’s new release, entitled “Rockin’ In The Forest”. While there are no overt references to self-abuse, there are songs about skunks and trees. Jason is the Jason from Jason and The Scorchers, who I enjoyed back in college. Which makes him cooler than Dan Zanes, who used to be in the Del Fuegos. Or Del Amitri. Or Los Lobos. I forget which. It’s a good album; fun for the kids, and easy on adult ears.

IN THE TOYCHEST: The cheap black vinyl football we picked up during our last Old Navy run. A tip: go to Old Navy, pick out a bunch of clothes for your kid, don’t buy them, wait three weeks, then go back and buy the stuff after they’ve knocked 50% off the original price. Yesterday marked a milestone – the kid actually caught a pass! Held out both hands and by God caught it! I immediately made plans to move to Odessa, Texas. Tonight we spent more time tossing that black vinyl football. Next week we go to Two-A-Days.

FROM THE LIBRARY: The Littlest Pumpkin, by R.A. Herman. This is about a verti-girthally challenge pumpkin who gets passed over by all of the kids looking for that perfect jack-o-lantern. The theme is very similar to that found in the Foster Farms Chicken commercials – death-worshipping main characters long to be eviscerated and/or eaten. SPOILER ALERT: the Littlest Pumpkin gets his wish, as a bunch of mice end up carving him up for their Halloween party. The moral of the story seems to be that if you are small, people will find you worthless, but you’ll be prized by vermin. As Halloween was three days ago, I’m confident he’ll be bored with this book by the end of November.