“What’s makes bad words bad?” my eight-year-old recently asked.

“That’s a good question,” I said.

I remember a similar conversation I had with his older brother when he was around the same age.

And my answer then was the same as it is now: I have no fucking idea.

“I mean ‘table’ could just as easily be as bad a word as ‘crap’,” he went on to explain.

“You are absolutely goddamn right,” I told him. “I mean motherfucking ‘car’ could be a bad word you know?”

This launched us into a discussion about cultural differences and how you can say the word wrong at the wrong time to the wrong person in another country and get your bitch-ass kicked all the way into next fucking week.

Or just make the wrong gesture.

For example, a palm-back V-looking innocently enough like a victory or peace sign-in England basically tells the recipient to “piss off.” This sounds harmless but equates to “fuck off” for all intents and purposes.

There once was seven words that would make the assholes of some motherfuckers tighten; God knows what the list is up to these fucking days.

I’m not normally such a foul-mouth dick but a point is a point right?

Now it’s not like I’m rearing lil Ozzy Osbournes. My kids don’t curse. Rather my kids have taken another route: They have invented their own curse word.


Narts can mean anything – shit, piss, fuck, goddamn, motherfucking whorebag. It can mean anything you want it to and that’s the beauty of it.

You stub your toe, “Aw Narts!”

You bonk your head, “Narts!”

You see someone do something outrageous,”Oh narts! No he didn’t!”

You pretty much can substitute it for any fucking word you want. It’s rather brilliant and downright clever. And most likely one day will be added to the list of words you cannot say simply because someone put a designation on it as being a bad word, a curse word.

Until then, it’s gonna be all fuckin’ narts!