Despite our protests, Mia’s extended family gave us many fine and wonderfully entertaining gifts, all of which make noise, consume batteries at a rate similar to Liz Taylor’s consumption of husbands (hey, I know the metaphor sucked but it was either that or making a rather tawdry vibrator joke), and all are made out of plastic. If you’re looking for the people who are screwing up the planet, consuming way too many fossil fuels and contributing to the earth becoming one giant landfill, that would be us.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be back in two years. I need to get an advanced mechanical engineering degree so I can put all of this shit together.