Correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t there a time, not so long ago, when Halloween was fun? Once upon a time, it was a night to dress up in something silly or scary and travel house-to-house (or, for you city-dwellers, your apartment lobby) scaring up delicious chocolates and the occasional squirrel nut zippers. As you got older, your trick-or-treating might have evolved into some merry mischief making involving eggs, toilet paper and shaving cream or possibly a water-filled fire extinguisher (I wouldn’t know anything about any of that, of course…nope…not me…not in the slightest). And, even older still, you found yourself doing the Time Warp, throwing toast and yelling, “You slut!” maybe while dressed as Dr. Frank N. Furter (again, not me – no, really, not me) at a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Fast-forward to today and you find yourself with kids of your own and, rather than embrace the fun that this night brings, you’re terrified. The news each day brings us more warnings and tips on how to keep our kids safe; the dangers of too much chocolate and baggy costumes; the need for designing routes and exit plans; and, most importantly, the danger the holiday holds for Fido and Mr. Whiskers. These warnings from “experts” and do-gooders essentially suck the fun out of what should be a fun time. Hell, there’s even an ad on television about giving away Play-Doh instead of candy – don’t these people know how horrible Play-Doh tastes? Doh≠Dough – Doh! There should be a warning about that! Stupid Hasbro.

Listen, if you’re reading this blog, it is generally assumed you are an intelligent person, even above-average as far as smarts are concerned (not we writers however – dumbest sumbitches to walk the earth – amazing we even remember how to breathe). It is also assumed you have a wee bit of the sense that is common – you do not need Fire Marshall Bill to tell you how to keep your kids safe. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t believe you’re sending your three-year-old outside by himself dressed like a ninja from head-to-toe with instructions to only visit houses where it looks like no one is home. Of course you wouldn’t. So, why would you let some bubble-headed-bleach-blonde frighten you out of having a good time with your kids? C’mon – dig out that clever costume, grab your kids and have some fun. You might even get some Mary Janes or Pixy Stix for your trouble.